Dear Newsweek, My grandson and I used to be very close—from the day he was born I was actively involved in his life. We were probably closer that most because of my daughter’s death when he was nine. I tried hard to keep her memory alive for both of us hoping that the sadness didn’t lead him down the wrong roads.
I’m proud to say that it didn’t. He is 29 now and an outstanding young man. He has a great job, a wife, and a son—who I have never met.
I am 64 now and I have a good life but the one thing that’s missing is my grandson and his family. I was understanding when he turned from teen to a young man and how busy his life was but the visits became less frequent throughout the years
We live less than 20 miles from each other but, I have to take a lot of the blame because while I thought I was doing the right thing by not making him feel obligated to come see me, I should have tried other ways to stay close.
I did try one year; I had a free cruise for two and I asked them to join and we would only have to pay for one and stay in the same cabin. I had hopes that spending time together would be good for our relationship. Well, this was a disaster, a week after we booked our trip my grandson called and asked if I minded if his in-laws could come. I’m not the kind of person who says no when asked something like that but I should have because I ended up feeling like I was intruding.
Last Thanksgiving, they were supposed to come for dinner but they canceled the night before because of the baby’s sleep schedule. He did say I was welcome to come to his in-laws but they didn’t give me a chance to spend time with them, I would have done it another day. I never returned the call, or the next call. I think he has tried to call me four times since and sent me a couple of text messages but I haven’t returned any of them.
I cry all the time about this—he is a wonderful, smart, handsome, successful man but he is the worst grandson and he is the only one I will ever have.
Karen, Alabama.
Newsweek’s “What Should I Do?” offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.
‘Try to Compromise’
Amber Young, the owner of therapy group practice Cope & Calm Counseling, LLC, in Danbury, Connecticut.
Dear reader, I hear your pain. It sounds like you were close, but as time passed you have become dissatisfied with his efforts. The caregiver-child relationship is a sacred one. This dynamic relies on care being bidirectional, but heavily leaning towards the needs of the child, even once they are an adult.
Look back on times you felt excluded, and assess what he needed. Given his efforts to call and include you in his family’s holiday plans, it sounds like he wants you to be a part of his and his child’s life, but his priorities have shifted to support his growing family.
Can you think of any time that he seemed frustrated toward you? Anger is a
useful emotion that assists in boundary enforcement. Can you think of moments when he
seemed annoyed? Assess the possible boundary or expectation violated that can be repaired. Please acknowledge any transgression you identify with self compassion.
Our minds are wired to attend to matters of self-preservation. Making perspective taking and conflict resolution difficult.
I am glad to hear that you are enjoying a full life. In order to make space for your grandson, explore what he needs so that you fit into his life. You stated that you never wanted him to feel obligated to see you, but I am guessing that you wanted him to want to see you. That can be encouraged. We only have control over our own behavior. If you want the relationship to change, you have to make a change. Communicate clearly what you want, ask how you can make that possible, and maintain flexibility in how to resolve this distance. You may have to go to his home or share time with other extended family members to see your grandson and his child. Perhaps you’ll both need to compromise.
A grandma has told Newsweek that her relationship with her only grandson has broken down and she is yet to meet his son, who is almost two. A grandma has told Newsweek that her relationship with her only grandson has broken down and she is yet to meet his son, who is almost two. Photo-illustration by Newsweek
‘You Can’t Expect Him to Know How You Feel Without Communicating’
Natasha Page is an experienced counselor, psychotherapist, writer, and founder of My Little Therapy Box. She is also an accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.
I hear how close you have been to your grandson growing up, and the special bond and relationship you have had over the years. I acknowledge the hurt and pain you must have felt having lost your daughter. You have played a huge part in your grandson’s life, and I am sure you are loved and appreciated even if you do not feel like that right now.
You have openly acknowledged that you feel disappointment in your grandson and that he is a terrible grandson. But it may be helpful for you to reframe these negative thoughts towards him and adopt a sense of compassion towards him as a young man raising a family of his own and working to support them. Sometimes, we place expectations on others, especially family, as we feel they should know what we need or expect from them.
However, they can’t fully know how you are feeling unless you communicate these feelings to them. This may not be easy for you, but it is certainly worth a try. Another way of approaching this that may be helpful is to suggest a regular date in the diary when they can come over for supper or vice versa. Your grandson may be unaware of how you are feeling, so communication is key. You may not be able to change the way he is, but you can try and suggest ways you can spend more quality time together.
If you’re struggling with feeling low in mood it may also be helpful to talk this through with a trained professional such as a therapist as there may be underlying issues related to your past trauma.
If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
My Grandson Invited the In-Laws on Our Cruise-What Should I Do?
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