Sister scamming mother to fun vacations.

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Dear Care and Feeding,
My younger sister and her husband have always been bad with finances and have a history of going to relatives to “borrow” money. This got more frequent after starting a restaurant. The reasons range from “we can’t make payroll” to “we’re going to be evicted” to “the freezer broke.” The problem is, while those are believable reasons for the difficult restaurant business, recently, I’ve been made aware that soon after getting the money, about twice a year, they go on extravagant vacations, posting social media pictures of themselves enjoying a $300 dinner for two, posing with strippers at a club, or going for a cruise with some very friendly people. This apparently has been going on for the past five years, so it’s not a sudden lapse in judgment.
My first reaction to this news was that if other people want to give them money, it’s none of my business, nor is it my business how they spend their money. That changed when my step-father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I’ve been trying to help my mother plan for the next stage of their lives, and I am getting a better picture of their financial situation. Moving into assisted living will strain my mother’s finances to the limit, and she is no longer in a position to dole out money. She is in incredible shape for 80, and her side of the family is extremely long-lived, so the money she gives to my sister now increases the likelihood that my mother will end up destitute at some point. My mother, for her part, is aware the “loans” will never be repaid and knows that her daughter and son-in-law are “bad with money”, but she doesn’t know the details. My mother is devoutly religious and frugal, and so undoubtedly would disapprove of every aspect of how my sister is actually spending the money.
After talking to someone who works in elder care, I’ve been advised that not confronting my sister is tacit approval of what is essentially scamming my mother. I have been encouraging my mother to stop giving away money they will need, but have not told her about her daughter’s deceptions. Having the full picture of where her money was going would undoubtedly dissuade her from giving in the future, but it feels like “tattling” on my sister. Should I tell my mother she’s been scammed? Should I confront my sister about her behavior? Right now, I have my hands full trying to encourage my parents to actively plan for what comes next rather than putting their hopes into being cured by a miracle drug.
—Trying to Forget About Alzheimer’s
Dear Trying to Forget,
Your vulnerable and elderly mother is being scammed by her own adult offspring, and if you ask me, that’s about as low as one can get. You’re absolutely right—if this is allowed to continue, it could leave your mom in a very bad financial spot, and that would be awful. The solution to this is pretty straightforward. You should confront your sister immediately and let her know that her behavior is unacceptable.
Before you take any action, you need to be absolutely sure that your sister is behaving this way, because if you’re only going on rumors, you’ll end up irreparably damaging your relationship with her. Of course, you’re probably going to damage your relationship with her by speaking out even if the allegations are true, but it’s better to come from a place of virtue instead of gossip mongering. (It’s also worth noting that, even if your sister wasn’t misusing this cash, your mom is no longer in a position to give out loans for the business either—all requests need to stop now.)
In terms of how to handle the confrontation, you can say something along the lines of, “I know you’re spending mom’s money on other things besides your business. If things are as bad as you say they are for you financially, you shouldn’t be posting selfies on lavish cruises and at strip clubs. It’s absolutely despicable of you to put our mother’s future on the line to fund your lifestyle, and I’m not going to stand for it anymore. I’ll give you the courtesy of not telling mom about this right now, but if I hear of you doing this again, I will tell her immediately afterwards.”
The last thing you should worry about is being a snitch or a tattletale, because you are unquestionably doing the right thing. Dishing out tough love is never easy, and your sister may hate you for it—but once she “grows up” and learns some accountability, she should come around. Hopefully that will happen for everyone involved, but her crappy money management and morals are not an excuse for behaving this way.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My fiancé and I are having a disagreement over dog care, and I’m afraid it’s a bad sign for parenting any future children together. (We both want to have kids someday.) A year ago, we got a puppy, Max. Max is great—he’s sweet, smart, and easy to train. A couple months ago, we started taking him to two local dog parks. He loves it so much that when we say “Max, do you wanna go to the dog park?” he jumps up excitedly, grabs his lease, and waits by the door.
But I think we should stop taking him. There have been numerous incidents where someone brings their aggressive dog to the dog park—they either don’t care, are deluded “he just wants to play!” types, or think they can train it out of their dog. We’ve had several close calls where Max narrowly missed being harmed, and we saw another dog get a bite that broke the skin. It’s not every time, but it’s enough that I’m done. I think it’s too dangerous, and we should find another way for Max to socialize and run around off-leash. My fiancé thinks we shouldn’t deprive Max of something he loves out of fear of something that may not ever happen.
We’re at an impasse. How do you resolve a situation where one parent (or in our case, dog owner) thinks an activity is too dangerous but the other disagrees? Am I crazy for wondering if this disagreement should have me reconsidering things about our future together? Does this mean our risk tolerances are too fundamentally different for us to have kids together?
—The Cautious One
Dear Cautious One,
I tend to side with your fiancé’s perspective on this. The bottom line is we can’t protect our loved ones from every danger in life, and sometimes bad things happen if they explore the world. If your dog park is anything like the one in my neighborhood, it’s overrun with doggos of varying sizes and temperaments, and there are times when tussles take place. I have a 14-pound dog that sometimes gets bullied by bigger dogs, and as the owner, I’ll usually step in if I see that it escalates beyond the point of playing around. You could also do the same. The fact that Max finds so much joy at the dog park should be reason enough to keep sending him back, right? Life is too short to create monsters that don’t exist.
Since this is a parenting column, and I’m not one of those people who believe dog parenting and human parenting are the same, let’s talk about what life would be like if you had children. I can totally appreciate that you wouldn’t want your kids to get hurt, because I feel the same way as a dad—but I think it comes down to what you deem to be dangerous. Are we talking about going down a slide headfirst or sticking a wet fork in an electrical socket? The latter could get a kid killed, but the former is just a rite of passage in childhood that 99 percent of kids have done in their lifetimes and should be embraced.
Kids will lick doorknobs, eat snot, and roll in dirt. They will also break bones, get in trouble, and make us question out loud, “how could you think doing something so stupid was a good idea?!” But that’s what makes parenting so cool, in my opinion. When a kid breaks their arm by showing off to their friends at the playground, they learn not to do it again. There’s no greater teacher in the world than experience, and if we remove all obstacles from our kids’ lives, they won’t grow into functional, self-sufficient adults.
This is a long-winded way of saying that you may have to loosen the leash a little (pun completely intended) on Max, your fiancé, and your future children. Obviously you shouldn’t let a toddler make scrambled eggs for herself on the stovetop, but normal exploration is a part of life and in the overwhelming majority of cases, everyone turns out okay.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a 45-year-old father of one 7-year-old, and being her father has been the greatest joy I have known. I had a pretty rough go of life before she came along. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with depression and learning disabilities, feelings of worthlessness and suicidal ideation. My parents divorced when I was in middle school, and I was so relieved. My parents were verbally cruel to each other and abusive to my brother “Jake” and me. Jake and I both developed into acute alcoholics, and my mental illness became more severe every year. Neither of our parents have ever shown contrition for our childhood or anything else.
When my daughter’s mom “Becky” got pregnant, my parents became more regular in our lives. Six years ago, Becky and I separated, and shortly after I went back to AA. Almost two years later I was finally diagnosed as bipolar 1. My daughter, therapy, medication and the 12 steps have changed my life. The black hole in the middle of my steps is still my parents. Our problems are irreconcilable, and having them in my life is a destructive force, so we are estranged. It’s not because I dislike them, it’s because they are actively harmful to my mental health. Still, Becky believes that our daughter should have a relationship with my parents and the two visit them regularly. I don’t see this as necessary or beneficial in any way to me or my daughter. How do convey to Becky how much I’m triggered by this? Or do I suck it up?
—Recovering In Rhode Island
Dear Recovering,
I know this situation is triggering to you, but it’s also triggering to me as someone who actively deals with depression and used to have a drinking problem. What is Becky thinking? In no universe should you have to suck up anything that causes this level of emotional trauma. We’re talking about your parents, not hers—so you have every right to demand that the visits stop if that’s what you want. There’s no way you can be the best version of yourself for your daughter if you constantly have to deal with mental anguish every time your mom and dad enter the picture.
Regarding how to speak to Becky, I would be firm, vulnerable, and honest. You can say something like, “I’ve dealt with a lot of mental illness challenges in my life, and my parents played a large role in my struggles. I don’t want our daughter around that level of toxicity, so from this point forward, she is not allowed to visit them. We are talking about my parents, so I should call the shots on this, not you.”
You mentioned you’re separated from Becky, so I’m wondering if she’s engaging your parents as a not-so-passive aggressive way to get back at you in some regard. I’m not a family law attorney, but I would suggest reaching out to one if she refuses your request to stop bringing your daughter around your parents. No matter what you do, you shouldn’t let this slide. Do whatever you can to set strong boundaries for yourself and your daughter.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two young children and live a 7-hour drive away from my mom, who lives alone after my dad passed away 15 years ago. We are close, and talk every day. However, she struggles being far away from us and we cannot get together often, so she leans into gift-giving as her love language. I appreciate it, but she also makes it clear that she wants a project (she loves finding a good deal) and tells me most days about how bored she is. She will always ask me, “have the kids pick something out.” Once I say something like, “Kid X needs new shoes, and would appreciate any kind of slip-ons in Size 10. Thank you!” It starts a huge shopping project of price comparisons and color choices and whether or not it is Kohl’s cash eligible. More often than not, there’s some kind of sale that we just missed or coupon that doesn’t work and I hear about it literally every day.
I try to be patient and remind myself that she is lonely and bored, but also really resent the extra project on my plate as a working mother of two. It would take me less than 5 minutes to just order it myself and we thankfully can afford it. When I do just order new clothes for the kids (which I like to do as well!), she’ll often ask why didn’t I tell her they needed it so she could get it instead. As an added element, she refuses to send me links but rather photos of her computer, which results in a kind of Google scavenger hunt. Is there anything I can (or should?) do about this or just acknowledge it as a quirky older generation thing? If I lived closer would the hours I spend on these projects instead be spent taking her on errands anyway? Thank you for perspective!
—I Have Amazon, Too
Dear I Have Amazon,
I don’t want to invalidate your feelings, because I totally get how annoying it can be to traverse down shopping rabbit holes when you could be doing something else. However, I think this is definitely the coping behavior of a person who is experiencing extreme loneliness and wants to find fulfillment through her love language.
One option is to avoid having her give gifts that have “personality” to them, such as shoes, clothing, or backpacks, because all of those involve the extra project management work of selecting styles, prices, etc. that you’re not interested in dealing with. Instead, focus on practical, boring gifts like pens, notebooks, or folders for back-to-school time that she could buy on her own without any major discussions with you.
Another option is to tell her that it would be easier for you to just buy the stuff the kids need, she can send you the money, and you can tell the kids that it all came from her. Granted, that probably wouldn’t fly at first with a person who loves giving gifts, but if you gently tell her that you don’t have the bandwidth to handle the back and forth with her, eventually she will come around.
There is room to compromise, though. For example, you could involve her in the process by sending her three photo options of slip-ons in size 10 and have her select which one to get for your child. Then she’ll feel like she did something. (I hope my mom isn’t reading this, because I do this with her all of the time.)
Last, but not least—I would do everything in my power to spend more in-person time with her, especially as the kids get a little older. Sure, the phone calls are great, but there are no substitutes for hugs and family dinners for a lonely grandparent. I realize this isn’t an easy thing, but have you considered having your mother come live with or near you? I have no idea, of course, if that’s something you (or she) would want, but it does seem like having her closer would help ease her loneliness and give you an extra hand in raising the kids—just something to consider!
—Doyin
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