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Dear Eric: Two years ago, a group of 11 women on my husband’s side, including his mother, sisters and aunts, went on a beach house girls’ trip. The group also included the daughters-in-law of his aunts. I was left out and wasn’t even told about this trip until after they came back.
My husband was angrier about it than I was, but I asked him not to say anything so as not to cause drama that would come back on me.
I accepted that his family didn’t like me when we were dating, so I wasn’t exactly surprised they would do something like this. It still hurts, though.
Whenever we all get together, they talk about this trip and how much fun they had. Now they are planning another trip to the same place for next year.
No one has asked me if I am going or if I want to go. I wouldn’t go even if I was invited. I’m just bitter and fuming this time, instead of annoyed and amused like last time. Should I say something about it or let it go again?
– Left Out Again
Dear Left Out: Despite the warmth of a beach vacation, getting invited to join a group that’s been so callous to you would feel like awfully cold comfort. So, try to let it go. It probably seems like an escalation, this being the second time. But it’s just a part of an unfortunate pattern of behavior that doesn’t reflect on your value as much as it does on them.
However, this might be a good opportunity to let your husband say something about it. They don’t have to socialize with you, but years of being sidelined and maligned is taking a toll. He should let them know that if they want to have a relationship with him, they have to treat you better.
Dear Eric: I’m a retired and never-married 46-year-old man, with a 25-year-old son. Minus training and deployments, I’ve raised my son by myself as a single parent since he was two, getting both of us out of a mentally and physically abusive situation with his mother.
I’ve only dated other single parents, hoping that there would be some kind of mutual understanding. Outcomes were the constant feeling of needing to account for my predecessors’ transgressions, having shared achievements and traumas used negatively against me, being treated as a bank account or piece of sexual meat and having my dreams and goals degraded while trying to support theirs.
Now, five months after my most recent relationship ended, I’m at the point of risk versus reward before considering getting into another one. Lastly, I don’t want to give up my final three All Go through No Go retirement goals in life.
I’m fine and thriving being single but wouldn’t mind sharing future experiences with a woman while deviating from negative relearned experiences.
What does a guy in my situation do, stay single for sanity or give it another go?
– Dating Debate
Dear Dating Debate: Think of this as the entrance to a new phase in your dating life. Many of the choices you made in the past were, understandably, tied to your status as a parent of a child. Even though you continue to be in your son’s life, helping and supporting him when necessary, you’re now the parent of an adult. Start to think differently about what you want and what kind of people you want to attract.
It’s wonderful that you’re prioritizing your retirement goals and life experiences. The satisfaction you get from pursuing your interests could also draw potential mates to you
Doing what you love will set you up better for love. So, keep the door open but shift your focus to your betterment and what your life needs right now.
To that end, also please consider talking to a professional about the experience you had with your son’s mother, as well as your other relationships that turned sour. There could be some trauma that still needs to be worked through and that might be affecting your love relationships. What you and your son went through is not your fault, but it’s important and healing work to process it.
Dear Eric: Your response to Heartbroken Mom, whose gay son was partially estranged from her over her past mistakes, omitted one crucial resource. She and her husband would benefit immeasurably from attending a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) meeting. “Founded in 1973, PFLAG is the first and largest organization dedicated to supporting, educating, and advocating for LGBTQ+ people and their families.” With more than 400 chapters nationwide, anyone should be able to find a local meeting by going to pflag.org.
– Been There
Dear Been There: PFLAG is a wonderful resource! Thank you!
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)