My Friend Gave Me a Free Cruise Ticket. Then Came Her Conditions.

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Dear Pay Dirt,
A friend of mine won two tickets for a cruise. She invited me to go, and then she bought her husband a ticket, too.
She ended up not being able to go, so she gave her free ticket to a mutual friend. But then she had the nerve to ask me and our friend for $500 each for the free tickets. Where do we go from here?
—Beffuled in Texas
Dear Befuddled,
It sounds like your friend is trying to recoup the cost of her husband’s ticket. She’s essentially asking you to cover that cost, and from what you’ve laid out here, it sounds like he’s still going on this cruise. Even if he’s not, there’s no reason you should be responsible for that cost. She offered you something she got for free, and now she’s asking you to pay for it.
It would be one thing if you all had decided on an arrangement beforehand—you agreed to all pool your money together to buy a third ticket so everyone could go.
But it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening here. Frankly, it seems like your friend is a little salty that she gave away a free ticket to someone else when she should have just given it to her husband. It’s too late now, though, and there’s no reason you should be out of pocket for something you presumably wouldn’t have spent money on in the first place.
Tell her it was so nice of her to offer the free ticket—and it was!—but it’s not in your budget to spend $500 on a cruise right now, sorry. If you feel generous, you can offer to pitch in some other amount to help her recoup her costs. A gesture like that might help salvage the friendship, and as a bonus, you’d still be getting a good deal on the cruise. However, if you’re mostly bugged by the principle of the matter and you don’t want to pay for her husband’s ticket, I certainly wouldn’t blame you on this one. And while it might be a bummer, you can always say, “Thanks, but no thanks,” to a ticket that now seems like it comes with some strings attached.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
There was a really difficult situation that just happened in my life that ended up with me either needing to find a roommate or moving out with my daughter because I couldn’t afford rent on my own, and my best friend ended up in a similar situation. So I said, what a coincidence, come join us. We agreed to this on the basis that it is just a holding spot in being able to split rent and save up money to move out on our own. I’ve been saving up for this for a while so I’m pretty close to having enough, meanwhile… she has nothing. And after every bill cycle, she has nothing. I recently mentioned something about saving money and she said, “I have no money to save” in a joking matter but I know she’s serious. And this has become a weight I can’t get off my shoulders. For many reasons, one including that my daughter is 7, and her two kids are 4 and 2. The 4-year-old has autism and ADHD and gets violent, screams, and demands things. If you don’t comply, the violence worsens, he throws and breaks things and screams in your face. The litter sister does the same because it’s what she sees. I don’t pass judgment on how a single mom handles two little kids, especially when one has disabilities, but it is very hard to witness the passive way she parents them.
This has affected my daughter. She brought it up to me last night on her own. She was having a hard time sleeping and seemed stressed and started crying. I told her to tell me what was bothering her and she said their “screaming and crying and throwing things is really hard for me” and went on to talk about how their behaviors are stressful to her. It is very hard for me as well. My daughter and I’s daily routines are obstructed from them. Meanwhile, my best friend is very defensive, I’ve never really been able to say anything to her without her taking it to the extreme and having an incredibly defensive stance, and I believe it would be an even stronger reaction if I said anything about her kids. I have no idea how to talk to her about these issues, how the behaviors are affecting my daughter, and how am I ever going to be able to move out if she’s not holding up her end and saving money (not to mention I had to pay the utilities this month because once again, no money). I don’t want to say she’s taking advantage and really leaning heavily on the fact that I’ve helped her, but it’s starting to feel that way. I can’t stay in that house forever. I don’t know how to talk to her about any of this. Help!
—What Do I Do?
Dear What Do I Do,
Ideally, you’d find a different roommate, but it doesn’t sound like you’re in a position to do that right now. If it were just you, it would be one thing. But you have a kid to look out for, too, and your kid is telling you outright that this living situation is stressing her out. I don’t want to suggest that your best friend is the bad guy, because it sounds like she’s struggling, too. But if living with her is your only option, you need to set some rules and boundaries. (I know that’ll be easier said than done since she has two very young kids and some additional parenting challenges.)
Have a serious conversation with your friend about this. It sounds like she hasn’t responded well to feedback in the past, so be careful not to approach her in a way that might make her feel on edge. Don’t just jump right into the conversation, either. Let her know in advance that you want to sit down and talk—so when might it be a good time for her? If she can find childcare for an hour or so, even better—you two could go someplace neutral and wouldn’t have to wrangle two toddlers while trying to hash this out.
When you do sit down and talk, give her the floor. Ask how she feels about your arrangement. Is it working for her? What is she finding challenging, and what’s working? Once she says her piece, tell her that the situation is taking a toll on your daughter. Make sure to focus on the difficulties of having three young kiddos living under the same roof and not on your friend’s parenting, her child’s neurodiversity, or her financial choices. Those issues are her own business, and while they might affect you, the conversation will be a lot more productive if you can focus on the problem at hand.
Then talk about potential solutions. Again, give her the floor by asking her what she thinks might help fix the situation. You might be surprised at what you both come up with together. Maybe you two can establish an hour or two of quiet time in the evenings, while she takes her kids for a walk or a drive and you and your daughter get the house to yourself. If bedtime is the issue—her kid is having big feelings during the nighttime routine, and it’s triggering your own kid’s big feelings—maybe schedules can be adjusted. Your kid could stay up a little later to have some quiet time to herself before bed.
While ideas like these might do the trick, you’ll also want to discuss long-term plans. How much longer will you be living together? When do you think you’ll have enough saved to move out on your own? Having an end date in mind might give you and your daughter the peace of mind of knowing that this won’t last forever. It’s great that you wanted to look out for your best friend, but it sounds like this was always a temporary solution, anyway.
All of this can be painful for her to hear, especially when she’s already in the trenches and going through her own issues. She might even have some of her own grievances about living with you. Reassure her that she’s your friend and you care for her, and you just want what’s best for everyone. Approach the conversation with grace and compassion, and it will go much smoother and, hopefully, lead to solutions that will make your arrangement a little more sustainable for the time being.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My wife (38 F) and I (42 M) married three years ago, just welcomed our first child in March, and are set to receive a decent chunk of money, roughly $500,000, from the sale of my family business in about a month. We obviously have a lot of planning to do but I’m kind of at a loss for where to start. We’re looking to pay off debts, possibly upgrade from my tiny bachelor pad, set aside money for college, and invest the remainder. We are also looking to set up wills and officialize guardianship for our son in case something happens to us. Is there a single entity we should look into to at least guide us in sorting all this out? I’m very thankful to have this opportunity for my family but I’m scared to death of messing it up.
—Life Comes at You Fast
Dear Life,
You’re on the right track. Pay off debts, save, enjoy a little, and invest. But there are some key times in life when it makes sense to hire a financial professional, and major transitions and receiving a big windfall are two big ones. They can take a granular look at your finances, talk to you about your preferences, goals, and spending, and then give you a detailed plan about what to do with the money. They can also point you in the right direction when it comes to estate planning. They might suggest DIY resources or tools, like WillMaker, and they can most certainly recommend some estate planning attorneys to do the work for you. But finding a financial planner should be your next step.
So where do you start? Ideally, you would pick a Certified Financial Planner —that is, someone who is certified by the CFP board. That means they’ve taken a fiduciary oath to act in your best financial interest, and they aren’t allowed to be sneaky and sell you financial products for kickbacks. A solid CFP will have this information on their website or online profile.
You’ll also want to dig into how your financial planner is paid. Look for a fee-only advisor, which means they only earn their money from fees paid to them by clients. This is opposed to fee-based advisors, who can also earn fees from selling certain financial products, and commission-based advisors, who earn their income entirely through these products (think mutual funds, annuities, insurance policies, and so on).
The CFP website has a search function where you can look for some planners in your area, but you can also use resources like the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors. Most planners offer a free initial consultation call to see if they’re a good fit. Use that opportunity to ask questions, make sure you feel heard, and confirm how they’re paid. Finding a good financial planner can be a daunting process, but it’s worth the legwork to make sure your money is in the right hands.
—Kristin
Classic Prudie
My wife is a lifelong vegetarian who, about two times a year, gets an overwhelming urge for meat and indulges in one meal. It’s always completely unpredictable—we’ll be driving past an Arby’s, and she will say, “Oh my God, I haven’t had a roast beef sandwich since I was a kid! My mom used to buy them for us after soccer practice!” Then she will eat the sandwich and the curly fries and go back to strict vegetarianism for another six or seven months. I obviously have no problems with her eating meat since I am an omnivore. But I am frustrated by her exceptions.