Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I made plans to go on a cruise with a friend this fall. She decided that she could financially only afford to pay for an interior cabin. I wanted to at least have a window. We agreed that she would pay just the cost for an interior cabin and I would cover the extra needed to get a window room on my own. In return, I would keep the $500 in “loot” that the cruise gives you for onboard drinks, games, and spa. Given the difference in what we were paying, this felt fair to both of us.
However, that friend subsequently had to drop out of the cruise due to some life circumstances. Fortunately, another friend was able to swap in, and my original travel partner’s deposit was transferred to cover part of my new friend’s cost. My new travel buddy and I split the remaining room cost evenly, 50/50. However, I still have the $500 in cruise “loot” and my new cruise companion doesn’t know about it.
Do I have an obligation to tell her about it and split it with her, since we split our room evenly? Or should I just regard it as a nice bonus for me, as I’ve dealt with these changes and the hassle of calling the cruise to manage the rebookings? The fact that it’s not “real money” but just cruise on-board credit may be impacting my feelings here. What do you think?
—Possible Pirate
Dear Possible Pirate,
I think you have to listen to your own moral compass on this one. That said, it sounds like you already feel like the right thing to do is to split the room credit with your friend.
If you need some nudging, ask yourself: How would you feel if the roles were reversed and you found out there was a missing credit? If you’d feel slighted or left out, then you probably already know the answer. On the other hand, if you genuinely believe your friend wouldn’t care or wouldn’t be entitled to it, maybe keeping it is something you can stand behind.
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Everyone has their own sense of what’s fair. But consider the fact that, if your friend finds out later that you kept it from her, it could make the trip awkward and strain your relationship. Or, you could be upfront now, split it, clear your conscience, and enjoy the trip without guilt or worry. Also, think about how it would play out if you kept it vs split it—do you really want to order free cruise margaritas with abandon all by yourself?
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Two hundred and fifty dollars in food and spa credits is a small price to pay for peace of mind and a clear conscience. And a little honesty now could go a long way in making the whole experience more drama-free—and fun.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My mother is worth a bundle and doesn’t believe in wills. She also was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. What can I do to get what’s mine without appearing too crass?
—Where There Isn’t a Will, There Isn’t a Way
Dear Will,
I’m sorry to hear about your mother’s diagnosis. While she’s still able to communicate, it’s important to have a candid conversation about her situation and her wishes. Even if she says she doesn’t believe in wills, she probably has ideas about how she wants things handled—and, just as importantly, what she doesn’t want to happen.
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You can gently explain to her that a will is simply a legal tool to ensure those wishes are carried out. Without one, her estate would be distributed according to the default laws of her state. These laws don’t necessarily take personal relationships, individual preferences, or family dynamics into account, so having a will is the best way to make sure her voice is heard even when she’s not there to speak.
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Beyond that conversation, you should probably also talk to an attorney who specializes in elder law and estate planning. They can help you navigate the complexities of Alzheimer’s and walk you and your mom through options like durable powers of attorney and healthcare proxies— options that would allow someone else to make financial legal decisions on your mother’s behalf if she becomes unable to do so.
Considering your mother already has a diagnosis, now is also the time to look into long-term care planning, including potential costs and options for support, like Medicaid. You want to know what these options are while your mother is still able to make informed decisions. Again, legal and financial professionals who specialize in elder care will help you get all of this in order.
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But I’d also encourage you to approach your mother with compassion and curiosity about what she’s going through and why she may be hesitant to discuss a will. It can be really scary to think about one’s own end-of-life planning. Her reluctance probably comes from a place of fear or even grief. You’re concerned with seeming crass, but maybe try simply being there for your mother—listening, supporting, and letting her know you’re there to help, not just to “get what’s mine.” Approaching the topic with empathy and a genuine interest in honoring your mother’s wishes might make space for more productive conversations.
—Kristin
I can have a $500 cruise ship drink and spa credit all for myself-If I can just keep a little secret from my friend.
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